i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
