We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
