beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
