My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
