So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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