You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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