She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I need a burrito and a hug.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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