can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
