im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
