I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
