im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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