I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
