why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
