I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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