thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
