walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
