This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
