I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
