The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
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karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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