think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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