i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
