Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just gargled with NyQuil
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
