This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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