It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
