i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
