Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
