My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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