I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
