hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
