I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
