Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
