I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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