Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
