We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
