allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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