Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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