plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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