I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
