They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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