I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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