sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
