It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
