It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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