I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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