I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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