She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
