first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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