just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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