Sponge bath it is.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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