you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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