i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
