WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
