so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
