I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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