I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize