my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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