He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
